The Great Evergreen Conspiracy
Sometime ago I wrote a blog in which a certain Russian leader was criticized, just a little bit. Since then I have been forced to volunteer in a camp somewhere very far to the east, near the borders of China and North Korea. Only in the weekends luckily, for when I told them about the university’s deadline schedule, they figured that would probably be enough punishment on the weekdays. Anyway, If you thought commuting from Almere to Amsterdam was bad, try getting back to Utrecht from Vladivostok on a Sunday morning.
Many curious people have been visiting this camp, because they are interested in realizing renewable authoritarian regimes where the rule of the few is guaranteed for future generations. Kim Jong-Un has visited a couple times, although he prefers to be called Kim Jong-Fun, since he claims many people have died of laughter thanks to his jokes and pranks. Sometimes he also likes to be called Kim Jong-Soon when he’s talking about long-range ballistic missiles. Other visitors include Dictator Cheeto and Mickey Mouse’s voice actor, but they are not what this blog is really about. It’s about trees and how everything you think you know about them is a lie... Or is it? That’s what they want you to think!
Around the work camp stand nothing but evergreen trees, which may include pine trees, but is not limited to pine trees, yet I don’t know any types of evergreen other than pine trees. These ‘wild Christmas trees’ are our trusted friends and allies, right? They clean and fix the air, no? Well brace yourself for a betrayal of planetary proportions, but first you should know about the most important rule in conspiracy sciences: Never try to prove what you think, because you can only think what they want you to think. Instead, you must confirm things that you know. Just like you know that the earth is flat, because if it’s round and rotating how come we don’t fall off all the time? Or those white trails behind the airplanes in the sky, we simply know they are brainwashing substances made by secret Illuminati overlords. Conspiracy confirmed.
So, you may think that trees are awesome. Especially evergreens, they are green throughout the year and have been green for a very long time, that’s like being the Prophet of sustainable things in a way. But when I randomly browsed the Internet using the work camps free WiFi (because in post-Soviet Russia the means of procrastination are in the hands of the people), I discovered this, which shows that pines create air pollution since they are actually quite gassy. This really couldn’t be a diet problem as they have been standing around for millions of years and clearly they do not lack in dietary fibre, they are dietary fibre. Which made me think, no, confirm that pine trees are neither our allies nor our Tree-FFs, but minions that the Illuminati have created to deceive us all.
Even though a regular scientific paper had revealed the truth about pine trees, I knew that further research using those sources would only lead me to where they would want me to go. So I did what any wise man would do. I tweeted Donald Trump.
He was playing golf, and tweeted back he was too busy practicing with a new ball, coloured blue and brown and green, kind of like a planet. Apparently he had putted it too hard and now he couldn’t get it out of the sand pit anymore. I realized that I would have to confirm this conspiracy on my own.
As I pined over the fact that our evergreen allies had become treasonous, I considered every possibility. Trees have trunks… Trunk sounds like.. Trump? That can’t be right, he’s on the side of the truth always. But trees have roots… roots are the mathematical opposite of squares… guess which nation has an infamous square? Tiananmen Square, China!
Of course China had to be involved in this. It seems they have created both global warming and air pollution to further their own interests. But before I could confirm more, my time in the work camp was up and I was brought back to good old Utrecht. I flew back through Turkey, which was not the best choice, because Circul Air departed from Istanbul and then just brought me back to Istanbul. Fortunately Lini Air also flies from there, and they always go straight to the destination. When I arrived at my home on The Uithof, the supermarket was still open for a few minutes. As I rushed over there to get some food, suddenly it hit me.
The store is called the Spar. Which is the Dutch word for a fir tree. Which is an evergreen tree.
Before I could confirm more, someone tapped me on the back. It was a man with a distinct American accent, “Wanna buy some intelligence?”, he asked.
“Who are you?”, I said.
“James Comey is my name. I Used to be FBI, actually. Nowadays I’m selling intelligence on the streets. Sure it ain’t legal, but if my old boss can do it then so can I. You want some?”
Under normal circumstances I would not have taken up his offer, but I was pretty tired and hungry and about to unravel the secret truth about the Spar. So I took it, and as the intelligence began to affect my head, I had to throw my conspiracy theory in the garbage bin, unable to resist.
That was a few days ago, I think. I’m eating some bread from the Spar while writing this, hoping I won’t ever have to go to work camp again.